Sunday, November 26, 2006

hi people. theres this part of me thats really sad and feeling really depressed, and a side of me thats really happy and fulfilled and another side that just feels like doing nothing at all.

sigh. didnt go service today, was watching on the internet. u know, just felt so nice during praise and worship, i was sitting there, singing, crying, and it all felt so liberating. den dad came home, after a long talk, he decided he would let me stay in W346. den for awhile, i was like really felt like one giant burden lifted. i was like thinking, finally, i can move on, and not be plagued by this whole thing anymore.

afterwards my parents left me at home and went for lunch, den i went to vivo city for strikeforce, was feeling quite fine about the whole thing. and i was really looking forward to serving God even if it meant just 8 hours of sai kang. so i carried drums, got into chats with people like jasper, eugene, yue ning, sarah, esmond, and just really felt a sense of belonging and a sense of fulfilment for that period of time. it was almost like that same feeling when i just came to cell.

yar, den after that i learned that the prints were paraded around cell today, honestly, i was smiling to claudia, but i didnt like it all, i was like darn pissed on the inside. i mean like its a sensitive matter, its quite a private matter, and i dun appreciate the mockery made out of it, do u know how insenstive it is. its not that i mind people knowing but it just sounds like my ordeal becomes everyone elses amusement.

anyway, everything just went downhill from there, managed to put on a smiley, cheery front, talking to people, trying to fold straws with jasper cus we had like nothing better to do, carried udms and the drums, sort of took my mind off everything, den its like i came back, sat down next to claudia la, den she was holding johns phone, den both phones got messages from my cgl. but i didnt get one la. why was i left out, does my situation make me wanna do anything less for God. den my cgl wants to think about whether i m gonna change cell or not. sigh, just dun feel that sense of belonging anymore la. maybe i m not wanted. because i make so much trouble, maybe shes given up on me, like i m incorrigible or too much of a 'devil' to handle. i dunno la. just feeling really crap about that whole thing.

on top of that, saw like 4 couples around my age on the way back from vivo. kinda made stuff feel worse

u know God, i felt so alone...at least i know that even thou this thing keeps getting me down, u were there for me today. its half and the hardest part of the problem solved. i wanna emerge from this as optimistic and on fire as i used to be man. people used to ask me how i could be so optimistic, lol, i honestly didnt know.

u know, something kept ringing in my mind, it like kept telling me, u useless trouble causing boy, they dun want u, they dun bother about, just heck the badminton thing, and i was just sitting there, stoning, den the lyrics today just came to my mind. the ones that i can't do this on my own, cus i know You are the best of me, and den Your presence came, and You spoke to me the verse

And whatever you do, do it heartily, as to the Lord and not to men
-Colossians 3:23

and i just thought, even if they dun want me, so wad, my minds just in a running wild state. but i know God wants me, Hes not gonna leave me, Hes not gonna forsake me, and i m not doing this badminton thingy for them, i m doing it because i wanna show the love of God to all the lost souls, i wanna win them for God, because i know God loves me, and i want them to know that God loves them too. so i waddled my way out of it all.

u know someting Daddy God, i miss her loads, its like i walked thru outram mrt when i was coming back, and i just thought of the time i was talking nonsense to her when we were walking down that pathway and also scolded her for being late, that place where the stupid oil blotter flew out of my hand and onto the tree. den i was thinking, such agony just from vivo back to tiong, den i was thinking, when i go back to joo chiat for sf, that one and a half hour bus ride, i used to call her and we ll chat my way home, and its like i cant do it anymore.

but it feels different now, its negative but theres positves to look to, cus i know Daddy, i m looking to You, and i know u ll take me out of this. u ll heal the hurt, u ll comfort me when everyone else is screaming, when everyone else isnt there, i know God, u are always there for me. i just pray, that thru this months, till A levels are over at least, that u ll let me find You, u ll let me shine for You.

and i came out with this lame joke on the way back. haha.
who shud jacob marry??
-julie [cus jacob and julie both own biscuit companies]
what car should they drive??
-lexus [haha, its another biscuit brand]

after looking at myself in a plain shirt today, i m convinced if i cut the belly and build up the upper body, i m gonna look better in my clothes even if i m not wearing branded stuff. heh. shud be proud of me la. i m going to exercise le, and trying to change the way i dress. and i went thru 2 hours of sitting there and doing nothing without complaining, heh, training patience le. shud be proud of me. haha.

feels lonely without you around, but daddy God's here at least, Hes taking care of me and Hes got my back. heh. me and daddy God, dynamic duo. haha. the rest of the world wouldnt know wad hit them.

my God saved the day!
Jesus Christ,
Your the way the truth the light
The hope of all mankind...

thanks for making it better, thats for leading and guiding me, thank you for giving me hope, for being my hope...till next time...some time...maybe you and i will collide.

|cowpoo| 10:37 PM|

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